Jezebel
by The High-Fives For Nothing
Summary: Your name is Roxy Lalonde and you never asked for this. au/dirkroxy/drabbles/sadstuck. T for alcoholism and mentions of rape and some cursing
1. Chapter 1

a/n: my first homestuck fanfic so tell me if roxy seems ooc. shes obvs gonna act a lot different than normal given the circumstances, but yeah. review pls :)

* * *

_Easy_.

It wasn't your fault.

_Slut_.

You didn't ask for this.

_Whore_.

They blame you blame you blame you.

_Jezebel_.

It makes you want to throw up.

Sneer, grin, snicker, glance. You pretend not to hear their words.

"...yeah, I bet she was off getting knocked up again last night…"

"…that must be why she's always late to school…"

"…I hear she's a drunk too…"

"…she's probably had more abortions than you can count…"

"…her mother was like that too…"

Take a drag, take a sip. Drown their words. You don't hear a thing. Skip school and don't fall asleep until four in the morning. If you had any friends left, they'd never suspect a thing.

_Tramp_.

Why do they care so much about your sex life?

_Skank_.

Why are people so terrible?

_Hooker_.

…Why are _you_ so terrible?

_Bitch_.

You don't have any friends because of the rumors.

_Hoe_.

You weren't asking for this.

_Prostitute_.

You _never asked for this!_

It's easier to harden yourself and drink until you can't feel anything.


	2. Chapter 2

You wake up in cold sweat.

Dark. It's dark outside. You fell asleep at one in the morning. After checking your phone clock, you find you only got three hours of sleep. As per usual.

The nightmares always come around this time. You've had the same dream about the same man every night since it happened. Black. Black road. Tires screech. Doors slam. People talking. You know that voice—it's _his_ voice. Surrounded. You're surrounded…

_No_. Don't think about that. It's too early to think about that. Your body aches but you get up anyway, knowing that you won't be able to get anymore sleep than that. Doing your homework (due a week ago) at four in the morning isn't exactly your idea of a "fun time," but there really isn't much else to do. The house sleeps except for you. By the time you finish, it's five and you still have two more hours to kill. You take a shower and get ready for school and try not to look at your body in the mirror because you'd probably throw up if you did. But you put on makeup and style your hair and fix breakfast, all with empty eyes and slouched shoulders, because today is another day in hell like it alwaysis/alwayswillbe.

Catch the bus. You don't have your license—you're only fifteen, after all. Use your headphones to get away from people, because people will only ever be cruel and ruthless and untrustworthy and you've known that for as long as you can remember, but it never sunk in until that happened. He was your _boyfriend_. You _trusted_ h—

"_Miss Lalonde!_" Your thoughts are, thankfully, taken away from that mindset.

The bus driver gives you a stern but concerned expression. You look around and realize that everyone has already gotten off the bus and you're the only one there. She asks if you're okay, and it takes you a moment to reply but you do and you get off the bus and go on like it didn't happen. Thank god it didn't happen. You honestly wouldn't be able to handle it during school. It's happened a couple of times before, the flashbacks, but they never occur often. People give you odd looks, coming off the bus that late but you ignore it. You're used to odd looks at this point, so you hold your head a bit higher and make another routine trek through hell. If you're going through hell, keep on going.


	3. Chapter 3

oops none of the alpha kids r in this chapter :/ my apologies

* * *

The day is normal. Nothing happens.

He's not here anymore. "Here" being your high school. When he first transferred, a sick part of you felt betrayed. At one point, even after it happened, you were still in love with him, because you couldn't get it through your thick skull that he was _not the person you thought he was. _So you kept on believing that it wasn't true, it hadn't happened, you two were the same and even if it did happen, it was your fault, being drunk and dressed up. For a time, you still looked at him in the same light, thinking maybe it was a dream because he was only ever sweet and pleasant and polite and amazing to you. But no. It was too good to be true.

In actuality, he was none of those things. He was cruel and heartless and oh god how could anybody ever do that to someone especially someone they knew, especailly someone who trusted them with everything? As if that wasn't bad enough, he _told the entire school _about it afterwards. And then poof! He was gone and left you in pieces, alone to deal with the aftermath of it all.

You still blame yourself though. Everybody else does. You can't think of a good reason as to why that would have happened to you if you didn't deserve it somehow. Even though you've gotten used to the words they throw at you, and you act normally, the insults eat away at your core and burned into your skin like a hot iron. They stick.

When you look at yourself now, you do not see the Roxy Lalonde you saw before. The Original Roxy Lalonde was blonde with bright eyes and curves. She put effort into looking nice and it showed. She looked happy. She _was_ happy. The only sad thing was that her mother had died but that was a long time ago and she was over it.

The Replacement Roxy Lalonde has dull hair and life-less eyes and flushed cheeks because of the alcohol, and baggy clothes so that all her curves are covered and her breath constantly smells like booze and she hates herself and it shows. The only good things are sleeping and drinking until she can't feel anything.

The Replacement Roxy Lalonde gets up everyday and puts on a show that she is the same and goes to school and laughs occasioanlly and tries to look confident and never does her work and doesn't go out with friends anymore because she doesn't _have_ any friends anymore and gets taunted constantly. The Replacement looks at herself and sees the words they throw at her everyday. When she comes home from school, she counts up how many times she was called this and that and takes a swig for every one. _Slut: _12. _Easy:_ 3. _Whore: _15. _Hoe:_ 5. _Jezebel:_ 1.


	4. Chapter 4

ah yes finally some other canon characters UuU

* * *

"Hi."

It's Tuesday. A girl with dark, short hair and nice eyes smiles at you. She's standing in front of the empty lunch table you always eat at. The food in front of you lays untouched. Your head hurts from a hangover and you wish you could drink some more.

Look up, you remind yourself. It's been awhile without any normal human interaction and you aren't used to people being this pleasant towards you. Well, except maybe your grandmother but that's different, since she isn't one of your peers.

Speaking of peers, this one looks at you expectantly with her tanned hands clasped in front of her and waits for a reply. You blink twice and say, "Hey," in a pretty normal tone. She beams brighter and takes that as an invitation to sit down across from you. "I don't know if you know me, but we have science together. I'm Jane." She sticks out her hand for you to shake. You take it and tell her your name. She won't stop smiling. Why won't she stop smiling, you wonder? She's happy. Does it make you happy? No.

Jane sits with you for a while and talks to you before deciding that she'll invite you to sit with her two friends, Dirk Strider and Jake English, who she points to. One of them waves at you and smiles a goofy smile. After a moment, you decided it won't hurt to at least just go sit when them for today, since they don't seem bad and she looks really happy when you say yes so how are you supposed to just back down now.

Dirk is blonde and wears strange anime-style shades that would look kind of funny on anyone else. He pulls them off by always having a poker face. Jake is the dark-haired kid who waved at you. He wears glasses and speaks sort of oddly but in an endearing way. Jane blushes sometimes when he talks. You know exactly why.

You jump right back into the old routine of wearing a fake smile and laughing a fake laugh and telling jokes and living while not really living. Back when you had friends, you used to be able to do it constantly, and sometimes you'd even forget about all that and acted like a normal teenager. When you sit with them on Tuesday, it doesn't feel as fake, although you're still thinking about things in the back of your head and the petals still reach up from your throat and into your mind and occasionally slip something out and you still want to drink yourself into oblivion but things don't feel _as_ hopeless and anything/anything/anything is better than nothing/nothing/nothing.


	5. IMPORTANT AN

okay so apparently my story violates ff policy just cos theres one line of pesterchum logs? idk. anyways if u still wanna read it its all up on ao3 so here have a link: : / / archiveofourown works / 741158 / chapters / 1380144

take out the spaces n w/e

k thx :3 i rlly appreciate all the follows/favorites/reviews ive been getting on this story, it means a lot to me! UuU


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